This morning my dad came in and yelled at me for working on my World Lit essays today instead of doing them over the summer / earlier in the year and told me how irresponsible it was of me to leave it to now and how I have terrible time management skills. And I snapped back at him and he got mad at me and left and I was really upset. But my parents have criticized the way I work for literally years. And this got me through middle school getting legitimate straight A’s / even getting 100’s for like mid year averages in some classes. My work methods let me go to bed by 9:30 PM every night freshman year and get decent grades, and let me get good grades sophomore year even if I had to sacrifice some sleep for it. Sure, I didn’t do as well last year. I know that. But it was a really rough year for me to get through, outside of the school work. And so my dad decided to step in and try to manage how I do my work, and it drives me insane. Because I’m doing okay now. And yeah, I wish last year had gone a lot differently. I’m so mad at myself for everything that happened and that I just didn’t do well and I can’t even take myself seriously as a student anymore. I’m beyond over joyed when I get college acceptances; I’m literally in shock because I don’t understand what about my transcript makes me a desirable applicant, and I know my essay wasn’t even that good. It’s at the point where I used to get frustrated when people would ask me if I did the homework and then laugh and say “of course not” but I don’t even care anymore because even though I’m trying to keep on top of everything, I earned that assumption for just being absolutely lazy. It’s not even school anymore. I’m at that point where I just get angry with myself for every part of my life. My grandma came over for breakfast this morning just for the hell of it, and she asked me if I had a girl friend. And no matter what I tell anyone I still have a big problem coming to terms with my sexuality. And I know I can’t put any big surprises on my grandmother, because there is no way in hell I am going to be the one responsible for giving her a fourth (or fifth, I don’t remember how many she’s had) heart attack. I don’t know if she would be receptive or not, the topic’s never come up. All I know is that I really can never bring a significant other to a family party. But I don’t know if I would. I don’t know if I have the guts to do that. I know we’re supposed to be all self-accepting but sometimes I wonder if I’m really okay with this part of myself, and a lot of those times, I doubt that I am. A couple of times, my mom has asked me if I would take a boy to prom, and I’ve always said no. Because I don’t think I could ever do that. I don’t think I could ever deal with the stares, the reactions from parents at pre-prom. Or maybe no one would care, but I would. Actually, I think I’ve only told a total of four people about my sexuality in person. I don’t even have the courage to correct people now. I don’t even have the courage to correct people I’m friends with now. But my life is such a mess. I honestly come home every night and sit in my room and look around and realize that I’m not actually miserable, I think I’m just a wreck. My room is in a constant state of disarray, something my parents remind me of all the time. I have predominately girl friends, and that’s a bond they share that I can never be a part of. And like I know that they are all exceptionally close to each other and I know I am too but it will never be on the same level. And I’m going to miss them so much next year. I realized that I more or less talk to all of them every day, and if I don’t, I do feel something missing. Like when I didn’t hear from Gaby until 10:30 last night, it was actually straining my emotions. And next year I know I’ll make new friends but they have become such an integral part of my life that I actually don’t even know. And I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. I actually don’t. It seems like a lot of my friends have their eyes set on these big careers, grand, sweeping plans they’ve already made. But I don’t. I don’t even know where I want to go to college or how I’m going to be able to pay back the massive student debt I am obviously going to owe. Yes, I’m really interested in marketing and public relations, but also in film/television production, and theatre. And none of these are super in-demand fields that I know I could get a job in. But does that mean I should find something else? I can’t even pick a single one of those areas to want to actually work in. I think my life is just becoming one giant mess and I want to get out of high school so bad but I don’t even know if I can survive another four months.